Monday, August 24, 2009

Softly... softly
The day spills in from my shuttered window
dreary day; how I am always thinking of you
By the first light of morning I pour over my love letters to you
ones never sent
A best friend would never keep such secrets
my heart is still yours, till I can find another who will make me forget
How can I replace you
I have been in love; never as I have loved you
letting go was never the plan; I just never knew how hard I held on
Softly... I am in your arms as I always imagined it to be
how long did it take me; only in sadness and in parting with you so
Tears long delayed... always
I could lock you away in my heart, but it will kill me
it will kill us both
I pretend I call you and read you this poem;
pretend you whisper, as you always did: you are my soul
Softly... I say to you that all is forgiven
and we go on loving each other, as only we can
But I can no longer act out as a child would
I have made you up entirely, and can not recall who you really were
I have been loving a dream
softly; I will release you from my sleeping world
Softly... softly... goodbye

Thursday, August 20, 2009


I fold to my own unknowing.
Why the heart chooses,
who; it chooses.
When a look is more penetrating than a needle to my vein.
How clumsy I am made.
Nervously I sit;
try not to look so obvious...
I forget to saver the moment when I am in her arms.
It's only a hug.
She doesn't see me this way...
She doesn't catch fire every time I say something clever.
Her eyes will never trace the flesh of my body with longing.
Yet I covet her to my own detriment.
However the hours, she is present in my mind.
The days that pass between us only strengthens my desire.
The thread of seconds that stitches my heart into knots over why...
How foolish is the human heart;
that it can not tell the difference, and it can not seem to reason....
no matter how many times it breaks.

November 19, 2007

Monday, August 17, 2009

In The Arms of Adoration

It's 5 o'clock in the morning, and his alarm goes off.
I'm already awake.
I already know the routine;

Hit snooze button at least 5 times, wake only half way and pull me close to him, drag naked body out of bed and stand motionless by the window with a vacant expression for 2 minutes...

I listen to the shower run for almost half an hour; sometimes he falls asleep standing up.
He puts his uniform on, leaving it sloppy, but clean.
And then the part of his routine I never understand....

He crawls back into bed with me, not to sleep, but to watch me.
He pulls me to him like he fears he may never see me again and whispers... "I hate leaving you."
In those precious few minutes, I feel as though I'm some kind of one and only...

He really loved me once.

I'd give all my hours, and all my lovers back; to feel again, what those few minutes made me feel with him.

I tell myself to remember that...
and if the time should ever come again that someone adores you as much as he did;
tell him not to go.

March 22, 2007


A small joy swells till the ribcadge hurts and tears of anticipation form.
A living thing; blooming inside... and hope grows.
A second heart beat; another soul attached.
The movement of a butterfly becomes the movement of a fish, becomes the movement of baby girl...
How I cherish all the days that go back to that day;
When I was your cocoon.

May 13, 2007


With all your bones, will you drag your body out of the depths...
your gills close up;
and now you must learn to breathe the air.
Now you know how heavy your body is.

Now you know the sting of the sun on you bare skin.

July 6, 2007

Thursday, August 13, 2009


My heart quickens
I draw from the air a different kind of happiness
into my eager lungs
The moment passes, tears fall; yet somehow my spirit is lifted

written:July 25, 2006

First Touch

Like the first taste of wine on my lips;
The sun in my eyes after clouds and rain.
The prick of the needle before it enters a vein;
shocking and pleasing,
sweat beading in circles on feverish skin
Nothing post has it's power, or pervokes more
It sizzles, and everything else is bland;
The first and slightest touch from your hand,
You own me

written:September 13, 2006

There is a truth unspoken in dreams

written: 6.15.08

To whom this is addressed,
The sun seemed to contradict itself today. It was bright enough to have a scorching affect, and yet a chill softly loomed.
Last nights dream of you came as a surprise. I've not dreamt of you since well over a year ago..; when I was still at war with myself and playing puppeteer.
It was a surprise within a surprise, because there was a jovial playfulness between us. You had come to visit me, or the other way around maybe. The rain was constant and warm. In the shadow of this contradiction of the truth between us, lingered a question: Where has all the animosity gone?
But the question lay very distant to the welcoming of your arms around me, and all the affections of an endearing friendship. Do dreams lie?
Only daydreams perhaps, but they are dreams made up.
In my life awake; I feel I may have found my match, just as you said I would, what seems like.....
Hundreds of years I've waited to hear these words, "I can find the darkest part of someone's soul just as beautiful as the lightest."
This was said to me after I confessed a fear of what I become when I get bored. I was warning him as always.
Maybe fear isn't the right word to use when I talk about what stirs in me, when I get bored.
Guilty; exhilarated is more the words to describe.
Maybe I'll kill this too, as I shatter all the fragile things;
and if I should descend into a thousand hells for calling a cease fire between two separate halves of my soul, let me be fully deserving, God...
They communicate to each other like a pair of identical twins. One understanding the other. Accepting the other. Dying without the other.
They operate as a complete and seamless form.
In my dream of us, this same unique understanding opened its eyes at me.
It reminds me that *there* is where exists the thin line between love and hate; friend and foe.
*There* is where both forces unite. They understand and accept each other without the questions or lies.
To whom this is addressed,
I never loved you in my life awake...
but in my dreams we are love and hate united. They pair for a virtue undefined.
I am still the Phoenix. I will always burn my whole world to ash to birth myself anew. I am still the puppeteer; dark and bored. You'll never know if what I say is real or an illusion.
Not in the life awake. Not ever in this life; awake.
But there is an Atlantis after all; and in deep slumberous isolation, I take you there.
I hold your hand and walk with you *there*.
You will never read this letter foe;
but in composing it alone, I am perfectly satisfied.
Happiest with the silence that preceded blissful contradiction... me;
and paradoxical as the midnight sun.
as ever,


Make Me Beg

I'll show you what it means to crawl
what it means to need one thing only
love just leaves me hungry
I'll show you how much I can need
what it sound like when the hunger calls
curses to the thing that feeds me
leaves me
obsession binds me to such an act
I'll leave the stage in shackles
take my bow in silence
the needle comes with a body
I'll be what ever you want me to be
lover, friend or mother
I'll let you see what you want to see
just please
don't make me beg

written:March 25,2006

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


I'm pulling my head around on the end of a string; like a balloon filled with helium.
I can see my hand holding the string, but I don't know how tight the grip is.
Always; there's this fear my hands are going numb, and I'll let the string slip.
Away my head will drift...
first across the ceiling, till it finds the door. I will have to watch in horror as the air starts to circulate in that direction. Then someone opens it...
and out I go.
My body standing still, as my soul escapes.
Then maybe I ascend quickly to a very great height; no control of how far up, or how fast.
I am at the mercy of nature.
There is no wheel to steer my fate.
This is what it's like to lose all control... then SNAP! You get your head back!